Victory: DOMA struck down, Iowans celebrates marriage equality

Twenty years ago, my friends Kate and Sally experienced the nightmare most same-sex couples fear.  Unpacking after a wonderful camping trip, Sally heard Kate fall.  She ran into the bathroom to see her partner of more than a decade slumped against the shower wall.  She was breathing but unconscious.  Sally called 911 and an ambulance arrived in a matter of minutes.  No one asked Sally who she was; the lesbian EMT seemed to understand why she needed to be with Kate. 

At the hospital, however, Sally was not allowed past the emergency room doors.  She did not have the legal right to be with Kate and to make decisions.  Sally insisted that she had “power of attorney.”  She was told that the hospital needed to see the papers.  Sally called her lawyer.  As the papers were faxed to Sally at the hospital, Kate died.  Alone.

The Catholic Church they attended honored their relationship, knew that the women were life-long partners, and allowed Sally to engage in the funeral mass and to be acknowledged at the service as Kate’s companion.  But the funeral director wouldn’t allow her to make any of the arrangements.  Nor would the cemetery allow Sally to have any part of the internment decisions or burial service.  She was forced to find Kate’s ex-husband, a man she had not seen in more than a decade, and ask him to deal with the director and the cemetery.  He had more legal standing than Sally.  And his wishes were carried out, without hesitation.

Today’s victorious Supreme Court decision would have changed all that, had they been married and living in any of the marriage states.  In a time of profound grief, Sally would have been treated with fairness and respect.  No one would have questioned her standing or remove her from these very personal decisions. Her heartbreak and grief would not have been compounded by the exclusion from these incredibly personal and important moments.

We have a great deal to celebrate.  The United States Supreme Court affirmed fairness and equality of all loving and committed married couples. Federal discrimination directed against legally married same-sex couples will end with today’s ruling. Thirteen states—including Iowa and now California—and Washington, DC, now embrace marriage equality. We will now enjoy all of the federal protections and responsibilities previously denied to us. Our friends in the other 37 states, while they too celebrate our win, still live in states without the freedom to marry. But we know we are winning, and we will continue to win more state. It’s just a matter of time.

The ruling on Proposition 8, while a move in the right direction, was a modest gain.  We celebrate with and for gay and lesbian couples in California.  And, we work toward the day when all 50 states will enjoy marriage equality.

Today, I will celebrate the rulings and what the future can be.  I will thank every person I know who has brought us to this place.  I will send up a prayer to the women and men, those twilight lovers of years gone by, for their extraordinary courage. I will send a message of gratitude to the Supreme Court. And I will pour a glass of wine and raise that glass to my friends who never got to see this day.  This win is for Kate and Sally, and for all the couples with similar stories, and for all the couples to come. This win is for all of us, and we are victorious. 

Don’t forget to celebrate with us at rallies all across the state! Go to http://bit.ly/OneIowaRally for more information, and I hope you can join us!